(Anonymous asked: I know that a lot of the quaint pagan holidays that white people celebrate are coming up. Do you think you could do a basic rundown of them? So many happen in a row that I tend to get them mixed up and I want to be able to impress and exotic girls I see with my knowledge of their culture. Thanks!)
Anon, we decided to research various holidays that the exotic white tribe known as “Murrikans” celebrates. The following holidays take place from October 8 through to December.
Columbus Day(October 8): This day is in celebration of the exotic white tradition of being factually incorrect about history. While many exotic whites think that an exotic man named Columbus “discovered” America, it turns out that there were actually people already living in the Americas, and they discovered Columbus, who thought that he was in India. The exotic whites celebrate this day with various sales(giving their money to their pagan god, Capitalism) and a day off from school for their children.
Halloween(October 31st): Another holiday that involves giving money to Capitalism, this holiday celebrates the exotic white tradition of buying lawn decorations. The exotic whites of mating age dress in costumes and imbibe mass amounts of alcohol in an attempt to find a partner. The children also dress in costume, and go from door to door, threatening people with “tricks” in order to get candy.
Thanksgiving(November 22): Another holiday that celebrates the exotic white tradition. Many exotic whites think that this is a holiday memorializing the friendship between the Native Americans and the exotic whites, but it is really memorializing the first time that the exotic whites were taught not to defecate in their drinking water. This holiday is celebrated by a large, awkward meal during which the exotic whites have stilted conversations with family members they don’t actually like.
Christmas( December 25th): this holiday is the major holiday celebrating the god Capitalism. It is looked forward to all year, and many stores have Christmas decorations out before Halloween is over. Every store has a sale on tacky decorations and expensive toys. Children spend the entire month of december trying to be “good”, so that Santa Claus, a minor god, will bring them toys of the highest quality. Santa’s likeness is pasted everywhere as a reminder to sacrifice money to Capitalism. When the day finally comes around, it is celebrated by exchanging gifts and hiding ones disappointment.
I hope that this has helped, anon.